Just like Monty Python's parrot, this Government has ceased to be
By
Richard Littlejohn
Last updated at 8:56 AM on 05th May 2009
Don't these people ever take a day off? They can't even give it a rest over the Bank Holiday. Politics, like nature, abhors a vacuum.
Politicians seem to think we are endlessly fascinated by their machinations, when the truth is that we'd much rather they would just go away and leave us alone.
I know I don't get out as much as I should these days, but on those occasions I do venture off the reservation I am struck by the complete indifference of the paying public to the opinions of those who ply their trade at Westminster.
Flogging a dead parrot: The infamous Monty Python sketch acts as a metaphor for the state of the present Government
Nowhere I have been in the past few days, from the local curry house to the West Stand at Tottenham, has the burning topic of conversation centred on what Hazel Blears thinks about anything.
Chants of 'there's only one Alan Johnson' were conspicuous by their absence at White Hart Lane.
No one came up to me in Tandoori Nights to inquire if I thought Jack Straw would make a competent stop-gap Prime Minister.
In as much as the world of politics impinged on anyone's weekend it was the continued sniggering at Gordon Brown's One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest performance on YouTube and the unanimous view that in any sane world he would have been sectioned by now.
Just a guess, but I'm betting that Harriet Harman didn't trouble the scorers in your house, either.
Will she or won't she stand against Gordon? Frankly, who cares?
All you need to know is that when Hattie protests that her only ambition in life is to be a 'loyal and supportive' deputy to Brown, she's lying through her teeth.
Harman's about as credible as Blears, who stuck the boot into Gordon shortly before issuing a statement pledging her '100 per cent support'.
'YouTube if you want to,' little Hazel wrote in one of the Sunday papers, 'but it's no substitute for knocking on doors. I connect with people and I cheer people up.'
Heaven help us. Two Jags made a similar point about knocking on doors. Who are they trying to kid?
If either of them turned up on your doorstep on a Bank Holiday Monday, you'd set the dogs on them.
When was the last time, outside of an election campaign, that any politician called at your house to canvass your opinion?
Politics exists in a parallel universe, with its own grammar and rules of engagement.
In which other walk of life would a wet-behind-the-ears lightweight like David Miliband, aka the Slop Bucket Kid, be described with a straight face as a 'big beast'?
It's only a year since Miliband was being talked up as a challenger to Brown. That lasted about five minutes and the circus moved on.
Now Alan Johnson is the posterboy for the post-Brown Labour Party, his every utterance being pored over by the boys in the bubble like that madwoman who sifts through people's stools on the television.
Oh, and apparently Cheerful Charlie Clarke wants Ed Balls sacked. Why not tell someone who gives a damn?
We're not daft, we get the big picture.
And what most folk have worked out is that this is a dead government. Like Monty Python's parrot, it has ceased to be.
Nailing it to the perch doesn't fool anyone.
The problem is not just Gordon Brown's completely predictable descent into a dark, bottomless pit of insanity and despair, it's the whole, hopeless bunch of them.
All those nonentities politicking against Gordon are the same crowd who were acclaiming him as a genius not so long ago and accepting positions in his ludicrous 'government of all the talents'.
Why should we take any notice of them now?
If we had fixed four-year parliaments, Labour would be gone before it could do any more damage, like the spiteful 50p tax grab and Harman's pernicious 'equalities' Bill.
Instead we are forced to endure the demeaning, debilitating spectacle of our unelected, undemocratic, utterly discredited Prime Minister clinging to the wreckage while the maggots queue up to chew on his corpse.
And we are going to have to put up with patronising, self-important lectures from Hazel Blears and Harriet Harman about 'what people really want', even though no one is listening.
I'll tell you what people really want, pet. They want you to shut up and go away.
Take a day off. The game's up.
Action man too manly
Action Man figures have come under attack for being too white and too male. Does it really matter?
Too white and too male? Action Man manufacturers say they are considering female and Gurkha versions
It's a toy, for goodness' sake, bought almost exclusively for boys. But buckling under pressure, the manufacturers say they are considering introducing both female and Gurkha versions.
In keeping with government policy, the Gurkha figure will doubtless only be available for export. Any child trying to bring one in will be turned away at the airport.